Jon Stewart is not exactly known for pulling punches — and on Monday night’s Daily Show, he didn’t just throw jabs at Donald Trump, he went for the full-body scan.
With Trump going oddly silent over Labor Day weekend, Stewart picked up on the online hysteria that followed. “It does say something about the ubiquity of Donald Trump in our lives that we don’t hear from him for 20 minutes and we’re like, ‘He’s dead,’” Stewart quipped.
The president eventually reemerged, but not without raising more questions than he answered.
“Trump is alive,” Stewart confirmed. “I definitively would not go so far as to say ‘alive and kicking.’ Something is up with his health.”
That “something” has been increasingly hard to ignore. Public images have shown Trump with swollen ankles and bruised hands. The White House has chalked it up to chronic venous insufficiency — a condition that affects blood flow from the legs — and bruises from “frequent handshaking” combined with aspirin use.
But Stewart was not buying the “nothing to see here” line — especially when there’s clearly something very weird to see.
“Jesus, Grandpa, put ’em away! Holy shit!” he exclaimed, reacting to photos of Trump’s bruises. “And what’s with the makeup? It’s not like you can treat leprosy at Sephora.”
Stewart wasn’t just fixated on the visible clues — it’s what we can’t see that worries him.
“I bet everything on that body not covered by clothes is all fucked up right now,” he said.
But the most unsettling signs, according to Stewart, aren’t even physical — they’re in the way Trump’s inner circle treats him, like he’s a dying relative they’re trying to please in his final days.
“It’s that whenever any of his biggest supporters are with him, it sounds like they’re saying goodbye,” Stewart observed.
He aired footage from a recent Cabinet meeting, where officials lined up to flatter the president in what looked suspiciously like a political eulogy. Then came a White House-released clip of Trump offering vague, life-lesson-style advice — the kind of “wisdom” usually reserved for memorial montages.
“Once you begin to notice this pattern, you begin to see really the whole vibe around this president is very Make-A-Wish kid,” Stewart said. “Everyone who shows up to his office tries to make one of his dreams come true.”
He ran a highlight reel: Trump being handed honorary badges, posing with sports trophies, being fawned over by celebrities like he’s the dying lead in a straight-to-streaming tearjerker.
But Stewart warned that this isn’t just weird — it’s dangerous.
“The people around Trump know that he is a never-ending insatiable black hole of wishes,” he said.
And now, thanks to a recent Supreme Court ruling, they may have handed him the biggest wish of all — unchecked power.
Watch Stewart’s full Monday night monologue below:
